ICJudaism: A Teacher’s Guide to Judaism

      Hosted by ICTeachers                                                                Formerly: Mike’s Rough Guide to Judaism

Disclaimer:

The contents of these pages represent the author’s personal views, experience and understanding.
There are bound to be some things here that some Jews would disagree with.

 

Jewish Mourning

Mourning

Judaism specifies that a death must be mourned, both as a mark of respect to the deceased and as a process for the bereaved to come to terms with their loss and return to full life.

Mourners - The deceased’s immediate relatives (parents, siblings, spouse, children) are considered to be mourners. It is traditional for mourners to cut or tear an item of clothing either on learning of the death or at the funeral (traditions vary). The mourner will wear the torn clothing throughout the first 7 days after the funeral. The tear is a reminder of the biblical practice of “rending one’s garments” on receipt of bad news (perhaps also symbolic of a broken heart) and is made in indoor clothing such as a sweater or blouse, near the neck on the left side (nearest the heart).

Mourning follows well-defined stages which are designed to take the mourner in manageable steps from grief, through consolation to a return to full engagement in life . The first stage is Aninut, the period before the funeral. During this time, law and tradition say that the mourners should be supported but not consoled. Their grief is too deep for consolation to be of any help to them; the role of their relatives and friends is to ensure that their physical needs are taken care of. During aninut, mourners are expected to engage only in funeral planning and are absolved from any positive mitzvot that require action (such as prayer).

The second stage is Shivah This is a period of 7 days, beginning with the end of the funeral. During Shivah, the mourners will remain in the house of mourning and will wear their torn garments and indoor shoes such as slippers rather than leather outdoor shoes. When they sit they will do so on low chairs. In fact, this period is commonly called sitting shiva. When going to visit mourners people will say that they are “going to a shiva”.

At this time relatives and friends will comfort the mourners. It is traditional not to give greetings on arrival at a shiva, since a greeting is a moment of pleasure. However, on leaving, it is customary to wish the mourners consolation and a long life, as at the end of the funeral.

During the period of Shiva, mirrors and will be covered or turned to the wall, as will TV sets which, together with radios will remain switched off. The 3 daily prayer services will be said in the house. It is considered a mitzvah to be part of the minyan (the 10 adults necessary for public worship). In less observant households it is likely that only the evening service will be held, but in any event the evening service is likely to be well attended (often packed).

While they are sitting shiva, mourners will do no work, abstain from shaving, showering, wearing cosmetics etc. During the time of shiva it is also forbidden to study Torah, since to do so should be a great pleasure.

When the 7 days of sitting shiva are over the mourners are expected to return to more or less normal life. It is traditional for a relative or friend to take the mourner for a short walk (perhaps around the block) to help them step back into the world.

The next 23 days is a period of lesser mourning, known as Sheloshim (meaning 30 ie 30 days after the funeral), when mourners should refrain from pleasurable social activities such as enjoying music, attending weddings or other celebrations, or having their hair cut.

For someone mourning the loss of a parent this level of mourning should continue for a year (although there is a principle called “social reproach” which means that if, for instance, someone - maybe a friend - makes a comment about the lack of a haircut then it’s OK to get one).

Mourners will recite Kaddish as part of the 3 daily prayers for 11 months after the funeral - but only when there is a minyan present.

Memorial Stones

Jewish law demands a gravestone to help maintain the memory of the deceased person. Traditionally, there is a delay of up to 11 months after the funeral before setting the stone, although some communities prefer the stone to be set as soon as possible after the shiva. A stone setting service will be held at the graveside when the inscription on the stone is read aloud. Inscriptions are usually simple, stating as a minimum, the person’s name and their date of death. It is not uncommon for gravestones in a Jewish cemetery to be horizontal rather than vertical (probably in keeping with the idea that everyone should receive the same honour in death). The stone setting marks the end of mourning

Yahrzeit  The anniversary of death each year is called Yahrzeit (Time of year - the word is yiddish, not Hebrew) and is marked by a number of observances:

• lighting a yahrzeit candle (these are like tea lights, but burn for 24 hours - they are usually burned inside a glass or are supplied in a tin in which they can be lit for safety and to avoid draughts);
• by visiting the grave;
• including Kaddish in the 3 daily prayers;
• Making a charitable donation.

In the week of a yahrzeit it is common for the mourner to be offered an honour during the Shabbat morning service, such as opening the ark or being called to read from the Torah.

It is also traditional to visit the grave during the days leading up to the High Holy Days. It is quite common for visitors to mark their visit by leaving a pebble on the headstone.

Memorial Services

During 4 of the key festivals an extra service called Yizkor (Remembering) is included in the synagogue service for that day. Yizkor services, when close family members who have died are remembered, are included on the last days of Pesach, Shavuot and Sukkot and in the late afternoon of Yom Kippur. Many Jews consider the Yizkor service on Yom Kippur to be unmissable (However, many are unaware of the other Yizkor services...).

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